What would you be great at that, as of now, you have no intention of doing?
Oh, I dont know. I can't think of much that I'm good at. I'm not really below anything right now. Well I'd probably say no to being a server at Wing House.
"The best way to predict the future is to create it"-Peter F. Drucker
HOLY SHIT! It's so true.
I know I said I'd finish talking about my dad but honestly I dont feel like it anymore. And since no one reads this I know I'm not letting ANYONE down. At first I was hoping that people would read this journal but now I'm coming back to the realization that this is only for my personal health.
Today since I'm not feeling that optimistic I'm coming to all these obvious realizations. Another thing I'm realizing again, I'm at the bottom the barrel in life. I'm living with my boyfriend's parents and I'm 20. IM FUCKIN 20! Also, it's disturbing how I couldnt handle living on my own and I couldve made it work. I had the money. I was making $100 a night. What happened?
Needless to say I feel like a failure. This is exactly why I took up running. I actually wanted to accomplish something. I wanted my hard work to lead to something like a 5k, 10k, or something more.
All I do now is sit at home, work only 3 nights a week, and go to the bars secretly wishing I was bartending. Im just a broken record talking about working in New Orleans and all the crazy people i served. Oh all the money racked in. I miss that more than anything. I went from buying Marc Jaccob dresses and barely affording doctor appointments. I sincerely hate my life.
The only reason I left that life was for my boyfriend. Now I'll never go back to it. For one, there's no art schools. Another, my boyfriend would leave me. I really wanna go home (NY) and clear my head. Plus I wanna be around friends. I've haven't had a friend since i moved here, so it's been about 6 months.
I'll be honest, I've been thinking about killing myself for many years and that feeling still overshadows me. Right now I'm seeing things for how things really are in my life. Repeat: Im on the bottom of life. I'm on the same level as drug dealers and whores. I have no money, no way to succeed in life. So what now? School? NO. You need money for that. The only thing I feel good for is popping out kids.
My boyfriend says I'm just waiting for a hand out. It's not true, far from it really. I doing the best with what I have. So what do you do when you have nothing?
What do you do when your father doesnt love you or even want to help you? What do you do when your mother is mentally ill and can't support herself let alone help support you? Tell me, what do you do?
If someone does actually look at this. Please show me some love right now because I really need it
Quote: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how"-Friedrich Nietzche
What have you finally had it with...where you're no longer going to invest your energy. and now you're going to just let it go?
I think I've become fed up with work. All they do is gossip about everyone and how shitty they are at their job. Everyone is always calling someone a bitch and say how they're gonna "lay them out"...psh yeahh ok. So I've started ignoring them and when they have a problem with me I just tell a manager. I now have 2 people that doesnt like me because of that but, like I said, I'm sick of it and I'm just letting it go.
On a different note.....
I've been thinking about what it means to be a woman. This is how the dictonary defines it:
1. a female being
2.adult female person
3. a female attendant to a lady of rank
4. a wife
5.the nature, characteristics, attributes to woman: womanliness
6. a sweetheart or paramore: mistress
7. a female employee
8.a female persone who cleans house, cooks, etc
To me, none of these definitions fulfill my definition of woman. However, the idiom is pretty close:
Be one's own woman, to be free of restrictions,control, or dictorial influences; be independant.
This is what I want to be. I've been told for couple years that I'm a woman, although I dont feel like I am. I've explored this feeling and now I know why. I dont live up to the idiom. I'm not free. I'm not independant. I'm not happy. Then I started to wonder why and the only conclusion I could come to is I'm still being tormented by dad.
He's horrible. Just his name and the title of "dad" makes me physically ill. His voice could freeze me in my tracks and it occasionally has. He's made my childhood a living hell and I sometimes have nightmares about it. Of course occasionally he will pop his head into my life like a painful zit. Just the memories make me fill up with all these hidious emotions.
When I was a kid my earliest memories are all based on being afriad of him. Even when I was 3 or 4 I was scared of him but I didnt know why. I think it had something to do with him yelling at my mom and making her cry. Even after their divorce they fought like Michael Vick's dogs. I do remember at a early age he would call me fat. His new wife helped with the name calling. She'd tell me to eat another begal and laugh at me, they both did that. He would tell me that I should eat more pizza. Sometimes he'd take food away from me or give me half the amount. This always made me feel embaressed and ugly. This would later lead to my eating disorder and now my struggle to not go back down that road.
.....I'm gonna try to go outside for a bit. I'll finish this later, like tomorrow later
1.Get a fashion design degree 2.Open my own sucessful business 3.Go scuba diving
4.Run a marathon 5.Run a 5K 6.Learn Italian and go to Italy
7.Meet my Sicilian family 8.Become a bartender 9.Tell my dad where to stick it
10.Climb a mountain 11.See the northern lights 12.Own a newfoundland dog
13.Get closer with my family 14.Visit an Ashram 15.Learn and practice yoga
16.Learn how to sew 17.Go Bungie Jumping 18.Visit the bus where John McCandles died
19.Have a huge party on a beach 20.Be a model in a fashion show 21.get lots of tattoos
22.Tattoo a friend 23.get over my eating disorder 24.Cope with my depression
25.Be naked for 24 hrs, 26.Go hunting and eat my kill 27.Become self actualized
28.Burn money (literally) 29.Sell my artwork 30.Open an art gallery
31.Get married in unconventional way 32.Build a tree house 33.Visit all U.S national parks
34.Go rock climbing 35.Visit a tribe 36.Learn photogrpahy
37.Visit a Haulacaust Camp 38.Learn gymnastics 39.Learn how to kickbox and spar
40.learn how to use a sword and spar 41.Visit the vadican 42.Visit the Louvre
43.Adopt a child 44.Volunteer in an animal shelter 45.Volunteer in a foreign country
46.Meet a guru 47.Learn how to sing 48.Be on a rollerdurby team
49.Go cave exploring 50.Graffiti something 51.Go on a road trip across the U.S
52.Visit Japan 53.Try lots of new and bizarre food 54.own a savannah cat
55.Write a book 56.Meet a feminist 57.Change Windsor High School's art department (My highschool)
58.Live in Seattle for a yr 59.Learn to surf 60.Go snorkling
61.Go kyaking 62.See a volcano up close 63.Learn to box and spar
64.Learn how to make Italian food 65.Learn how to make Japanese food 66.grow a garden
67.Go parasailing 68.See catacombs in Europe 69.Study womans history
70.Celebrate a foreign holiday 71.Meet my heroes 72.Be a scene kid for a day
73.Learn to bellydance 74.Learn to breakdance 75.Start a dance in a public place
76.Go down a mountain on a long board 77.Destory a computer 78.Help someone build a house
79.Be in Vanity Fair 80.Start a block party 81.Give a stranger $100
82.Send a message in a bottle 83.Scream at the top of my lungs 84.Cut the ribbon at a major openning
85.Get something named after me 86.Pay for someone's groceries 87.Stand under a plane while it lands
88.Sleep in a haunted house 89.Dance on stage at a major concert 90.Spend a week in silence
91.Be in a protest 92.Host SNL 93.Party with a Rockstar
94.Ride through the desert on a dune-buggy 95.Expierence 0 Gravity 96.Jump off a waterfall
97.Go dog sledding 98.Take a kid on a shopping spree 99.Throw a surpise party
100.Win an award
These are the 100 thing I wanna do before I die.I really wanted to make a journal thats just about this list and what I go through to accomplish it. I hope for lots of input and advice regarding this journey