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What would you be great at that, as of now, you have no intention of doing?
Oh, I dont know. I can't think of much that I'm good at. I'm not really below anything right now. Well I'd probably say no to being a server at Wing House.


"The best way to predict the future is to create it"-Peter F. Drucker
HOLY SHIT! It's so true.


I know I said I'd finish talking about my dad but honestly I dont feel like it anymore. And since no one reads this I know I'm not letting ANYONE down. At first I was hoping that people would read this journal but now I'm coming back to the realization that this is only for my personal health.

Today since I'm not feeling that optimistic I'm coming to all these obvious realizations. Another thing I'm realizing again, I'm at the bottom the barrel in life. I'm living with my boyfriend's parents and I'm 20. IM FUCKIN 20! Also, it's disturbing how I couldnt handle living on my own and I couldve made it work. I had the money. I was making $100 a night. What happened?

Needless to say I feel like a failure. This is exactly why I took up running. I actually wanted to accomplish something. I wanted my hard work to lead to something like a 5k, 10k, or something more. 

All I do now is sit at home, work only 3 nights a week, and go to the bars secretly wishing I was bartending. Im just a broken record talking about working in New Orleans and all the crazy people i served. Oh all the money racked in. I miss that more than anything. I went from buying Marc Jaccob dresses and barely affording doctor appointments. I sincerely hate my life.

The only reason I left that life was for my boyfriend. Now I'll never go back to it. For one, there's no art schools. Another, my boyfriend would leave me. I really wanna go home (NY) and clear my head. Plus I wanna be around friends. I've haven't had a friend since i moved here, so it's been about 6 months.

I'll be honest, I've been thinking about killing myself for many years and that feeling still overshadows me. Right now I'm seeing things for how things really are in my life. Repeat: Im on the bottom of life. I'm on the same level as drug dealers and whores. I have no money, no way to succeed in life. So what now? School? NO. You need money for that. The only thing I feel good for is popping out kids. 

My boyfriend says I'm just waiting for a hand out. It's not true, far from it really. I doing the best with what I have. So what do you do when you have nothing?

What do you do when your father doesnt love you or even want to help you? What do you do when your mother is mentally ill and can't support herself let alone help support you? Tell me, what do you do?


If someone does actually look at this. Please show me some love right now because I really need it

 

A Lot of Time to Think

Quote: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how"-Friedrich Nietzche

What have you finally had it with...where you're no longer going to invest your energy. and now you're going to just let it go?

I think I've become fed up with work. All they do is gossip about everyone and how shitty they are at their job. Everyone is always calling someone a bitch and say how they're gonna "lay them out"...psh yeahh ok. So I've started ignoring them and when they have a problem with me I just tell a manager. I now have 2 people that doesnt like me because of that but, like I said, I'm sick of it and I'm just letting it go.


On a different note.....
I've been thinking about what it means to be a woman. This is how the dictonary defines it:
1. a female being
2.adult female person
3. a female attendant to a lady of rank
4. a wife
5.the nature, characteristics, attributes to woman: womanliness
6. a sweetheart or paramore: mistress
7. a female employee
8.a female persone who cleans house, cooks, etc
9.women collectively

To me, none of these definitions fulfill my definition of woman. However, the idiom is pretty close:
Be one's own woman, to be free of restrictions,control, or dictorial influences; be independant.

This is what I want to be. I've been told for couple years that I'm a woman, although I dont feel like I am. I've explored this feeling and now I know why. I dont live up to the idiom. I'm not free. I'm not independant. I'm not happy. Then I started to wonder why and the only conclusion I could come to is I'm still being tormented by dad.

He's horrible. Just his name and the title of "dad" makes me physically ill. His voice could freeze me in my tracks and it occasionally has. He's made my childhood a living hell and I sometimes have nightmares about it. Of course occasionally he will pop his head into my life like a painful zit. Just the memories make me fill up with all these hidious emotions.

When I was a kid my earliest memories are all based on being afriad of him. Even when I was 3 or 4 I was scared of him but I didnt know why. I think it had something to do with him yelling at my mom and making her cry. Even after their divorce they fought like Michael Vick's dogs. I do remember at a early age he would call me fat. His new wife helped with the name calling. She'd tell me to eat another begal and laugh at me, they both did that. He would tell me that I should eat more pizza. Sometimes he'd take food away from me or give me half the amount. This always made me feel embaressed and ugly. This would later lead to my eating disorder and now my struggle to not go back down that road.

.....I'm gonna try to go outside for a bit. I'll finish this later, like tomorrow later

If It Makes You Happy

So I wanted to start my journals in a different way. Im gonna start with the Question of the Day and a quote. Here we go:

What's the most interesting thing you've done for money?
Easy. I worked on Bourbon St for a year. It consisted of firting with guys and girls to buy shots so I can make commison and keep my job. See, if you didnt sell 3 trays or more they would fire you. Once I dropped enough weight I was promoted to Beer Tub. I still had to sell shots but it didnt really matter how many I sold. I would compare myself to those dancers in cages in big clubs.
The most interesting  was with these CEO's of microsoft . I made a game where Id shoot shot glasses (which look like test tubes) out of my mouth and into a trash can. How many I could shoot in a row effected how much Id make. I shot 10 and got $100.

The Quote: "Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."
So true! My move to Florida for a better life was hard. It's still unbelievably hard. I still cant find a job I can stick with...well one I want to stick with. I still dont have a car although I am still saving. I dont have an appartment....actually the more I list the more depressed I get.
I gotta be completely honest, Ive thought about going back to NY. I love my boyfriend. He's the one person that makes me wanna be a better person. And since no one reads this, I can see myself growing old with him. Outside of him Im so loney. I dont have friends. I dont have a car. A car may sound weird thing to feel loney about but I hate being stuck. Im so stuck it feels like Im in quick sand and its up to my ears. I wanna stay here with him but I dont know how long. The more I stay the more I feel depressed. Something has to change. I need friends, more money, something I can grow in.


 



I've been aching to write but I havent had any time. Now that I have the peace and quiet I need I'll tell the heartbreaking tale of my week.

Two weeks ago I got a job at Cody's restaurant. I was so excited to finally have a job that payed well. So I went along with their toilsome training and on the last day of training, my last fuckin day, the manager pulled me aside and said he heard from 2 other servers that I'm bad at multitasking, slow and unprepared for the job. He offered a hostess job instead. I reluctantly agreed and cried the whole way home. I know it's a bitch move to cry but I was so mad I didn't know what else to do.
After I calmed down (which was the next day) I started to think I was set up. I know I am more than qualified for a server job. I worked a year on motherfuckin bourbon st. I served 1000s of people al day. I think I know a thing or 2 about speed. I've also had to server 20 or 30 people at once. Multitasking is obviously something I'm bad at. This all brings to me to yesterday.
Yesterday I started my new position as a hostess. Which, by the way, I believe that job is a piece of shit only reserved for girls that are too dumb to know whata fork is and old ladies that just want a job to feel useful. Anyways, I started talking to the other hostesses about the situation and they told me that 2 girls told the manager this. I now know who they are and I am deeply tempted to ruin their jobs. I control who sits in who's area. These girls just might not make money because ,oh I dont know, maybe someone will forget to put costumers in their area......Then again, I should be professional and mature. It's just a restuarant. These girls are JUST girls. There is no women. Now I'm left with 2 options : 1-fuck those girls over worst then they fucked me and feel justified. 2-Preform my job well and get the position I really want. Bartender.

On something almost totally different....
I have 3 of my art pieces in Ocala's art hall. I think the official title for the building is Brick City Center for the Arts. I'm gonna try to sell my pieces for $50 each. Let me be totally honest about this. I dont think I'm gonna sell any of them. They're old pieces I did in New Orleans and at best they're shitty are projects. Still, I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for 1 to sell. I'll post pics regardless. One of my goals is to sell my art and this is the first step even if nothing gets sold. Here's a queer reminder that keeps my spirits up: In the Tooth Fairy (dont ask) the Rock is trying to be a star hockey player again and when he tried for the first time he chokes up. He freaks out and his fairy friend said "of course its not easy. Thats what makes it worthwhile."
I'm also training for my 5K. I know 5K's are suppose to be easy but for someone who hated to run and rarely did, unless I was being chased, It's a big deal. I've been training since December and I'm proud to say I can run comfortably 2 minutes at a time. I can also run a 1.5 miles on the treadmill. So I'm moving up.


Intro

1.Get a fashion design degree      2.Open my own sucessful business     3.Go scuba diving    
4.Run a marathon                            5.Run a 5K                                                   6.Learn Italian and go to Italy     
7.Meet my Sicilian family                 8.Become a bartender                              9.Tell my dad where to stick it
10.Climb a mountain                     11.See the northern lights                       12.Own a newfoundland dog    
13.Get closer with my family         14.Visit an Ashram                                    15.Learn and practice yoga    
16.Learn how to sew                      17.Go Bungie Jumping                            18.Visit the bus where John McCandles died
19.Have a huge party on a beach 20.Be a model in a fashion show         21.get lots of tattoos    
22.Tattoo a friend                             23.get over my eating disorder              24.Cope with my depression
25.Be naked for 24 hrs,                  26.Go hunting and eat my kill                 27.Become self actualized
28.Burn money (literally)                29.Sell my artwork                                    30.Open an art gallery
31.Get married in unconventional way 32.Build a tree house                     33.Visit all U.S national parks
34.Go rock climbing                        35.Visit a tribe                                           36.Learn photogrpahy
37.Visit a Haulacaust Camp         38.Learn gymnastics                               39.Learn how to kickbox and spar
40.learn how to use a sword and spar 41.Visit the vadican                        42.Visit the Louvre
43.Adopt a child                               44.Volunteer in an animal shelter         45.Volunteer in a foreign country
46.Meet a guru                                 47.Learn how to sing                               48.Be on a rollerdurby team
49.Go cave exploring                      50.Graffiti something                               51.Go on a road trip across the U.S
52.Visit Japan                                  53.Try lots of new and bizarre food       54.own a savannah cat
55.Write a book                               56.Meet a feminist                                    57.Change Windsor High School's art department (My highschool)
58.Live in Seattle for a yr               59.Learn to surf                                         60.Go snorkling
61.Go kyaking                                  62.See a volcano up close                     63.Learn to box and spar
64.Learn how to make Italian food 65.Learn how to make Japanese food 66.grow a garden
67.Go parasailing                          68.See catacombs in Europe                 69.Study womans history
70.Celebrate a foreign holiday    71.Meet my heroes                                   72.Be a scene kid for a day
73.Learn to bellydance                 74.Learn to breakdance                           75.Start a dance in a public place
76.Go down a mountain on a long board 77.Destory a computer             78.Help someone build a house
79.Be in Vanity Fair                        80.Start a block party                                81.Give a stranger $100
82.Send a message in a bottle   83.Scream at the top of my lungs          84.Cut the ribbon at a major openning
85.Get something named after me 86.Pay for someone's groceries       87.Stand under a plane while it lands
88.Sleep in a haunted house      89.Dance on stage at a major concert  90.Spend a week in silence
91.Be in a protest                           92.Host SNL                                               93.Party with a Rockstar
94.Ride through the desert on a dune-buggy 95.Expierence 0 Gravity      96.Jump off a waterfall
97.Go dog sledding                      98.Take a kid on a shopping spree        99.Throw a surpise party
100.Win an award

These are the 100 thing I wanna do before I die.I really wanted to make a journal thats just about this list and what I go through to accomplish it. I hope for lots of input and advice regarding this journey

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rmerlino
rmerlino

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