rmerlino (rmerlino) wrote,

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A Lot of Time to Think

Quote: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how"-Friedrich Nietzche

What have you finally had it with...where you're no longer going to invest your energy. and now you're going to just let it go?

I think I've become fed up with work. All they do is gossip about everyone and how shitty they are at their job. Everyone is always calling someone a bitch and say how they're gonna "lay them out"...psh yeahh ok. So I've started ignoring them and when they have a problem with me I just tell a manager. I now have 2 people that doesnt like me because of that but, like I said, I'm sick of it and I'm just letting it go.

On a different note.....
I've been thinking about what it means to be a woman. This is how the dictonary defines it:
1. a female being
2.adult female person
3. a female attendant to a lady of rank
4. a wife
5.the nature, characteristics, attributes to woman: womanliness
6. a sweetheart or paramore: mistress
7. a female employee
8.a female persone who cleans house, cooks, etc
9.women collectively

To me, none of these definitions fulfill my definition of woman. However, the idiom is pretty close:
Be one's own woman, to be free of restrictions,control, or dictorial influences; be independant.

This is what I want to be. I've been told for couple years that I'm a woman, although I dont feel like I am. I've explored this feeling and now I know why. I dont live up to the idiom. I'm not free. I'm not independant. I'm not happy. Then I started to wonder why and the only conclusion I could come to is I'm still being tormented by dad.

He's horrible. Just his name and the title of "dad" makes me physically ill. His voice could freeze me in my tracks and it occasionally has. He's made my childhood a living hell and I sometimes have nightmares about it. Of course occasionally he will pop his head into my life like a painful zit. Just the memories make me fill up with all these hidious emotions.

When I was a kid my earliest memories are all based on being afriad of him. Even when I was 3 or 4 I was scared of him but I didnt know why. I think it had something to do with him yelling at my mom and making her cry. Even after their divorce they fought like Michael Vick's dogs. I do remember at a early age he would call me fat. His new wife helped with the name calling. She'd tell me to eat another begal and laugh at me, they both did that. He would tell me that I should eat more pizza. Sometimes he'd take food away from me or give me half the amount. This always made me feel embaressed and ugly. This would later lead to my eating disorder and now my struggle to not go back down that road.

.....I'm gonna try to go outside for a bit. I'll finish this later, like tomorrow later

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